even though vic, doesn't approve, i took some vicodin to fall asleep. i ran out of tylenol and it's been sitting left over since my operation so i use it in emergency pain. i was very disappointed today and so tired with a painful headache, that i took a tablet and went to sleep. i slept deeply but with horrific dreams. i frequently dream of rape so it is disturbing to wake up when you have just fought off a predator. i woke up and all of me felt better after the grogginess wore off. i felt guilty for the vicodin as i know many people who would use it for substance abuse but i honestly wanted to sleep and use it for my headache and earache. surprisingly, both are gone now and i actually feel rested and relaxed enough to focus. so as it rains, i drink my oolong and long to be done with my essays. of course, writing on here what make them finished any quicker. i don't know why i procrastinate so much. i tell myself i won't but the habit is strong and i end up giving my best work that way. i think. i don't know. writing is easy and i take advantage of my inventive mind. sometimes when i write i feel i am groping blindly in the dark trying to put sentences together hoping my thoughts will make some sense when i am finished. what perplexes me is that it works, most of the time.

today i was mailed four fake money orders. that is what the promise of a new job brings. i am so disappointed. our family isn't going to get much richer (haa not that we ever were close to that), it would just be nice to see my mom earn more than 350 a week. i know things are so difficult right now and nothing appears to be getting better. either way, i reported the scam to the FBI. having someone to report to like that made me feel safe and i am grateful for our government's security, whether one disagrees or agrees with me. i cannot believe some of these conartists think they can get away with this stuff. i simply googled money orders and noticed immediately mine were counterfeit. not to mention, the different name, address, and four times the amount promised were a dead give away. i mean really, sending me a supposed three thousand dollars through the mail...i suppose if i didn't have ethics my greedy little heart would have cashed immediately, paid the bill, and kept the extra. which in turn would put me in some serious debt.

ughhh people can be so stupid but i hope the FBI contacts me soon so i can give a better report of what happened. it really stressed me out and i felt so disappointed in myself. i really wanted to change my family's life. i can only keep trying though, and finish school.

i signed up for life drawing today and i am so excited. this is my second year of college. i cannot even believe time can go by as quickly as it does. with vrm being my best friend and making life wonderful, i'm not surprised time goes by so fast. as the song i once sang said, "nothing but blues skies from now on". QUITE RIGHT! though it does rain. ta-ta!